25 - A Quarter

   I learned to walk before I could stand.
   Learned to speak before I could talk.
   Learned the ways of man before I new what morals really were.

   All of us have to grow up sometime. Some of us just have to do it earlier faster then others.

   It is for this reason I blame myself for my actions. I believe I'm trying to make up for a lost childhood. One lost to heartache, confusion, and turmoil.

22 - Shunnned

   I have hated this day for years.
   I hate it still.
   I will continue to hate that date for years.
   It is the date of the beginning...

21 - The New Age of Man

   I hate them.
   I hate them because of them.
   It is their fault.
   They did this.
   They should feel the pain they have inflicted.
   They were only doing what was best for them... And you...
   That's a lie. You lie.
   They were doing what was best...
   They are greedy. Greedy bastards with their "civil" insecurities. I am not the monster here.
   What you did, you did for the same reasons that they did what they did...
   Wrong. I did what I did for the sake of my survival. i did it for them... They did this for their own self gain.
   They did it because they care...
   You lie. They would not have said what they did if they truly care. If they honestly gave a damn.
   All was said out of impulse... They thought not of the results of their words...
   Obviously...

   I blame them... They did this to me...
   It's their fault. They never cared. They even said they didn't. They loved the idea.
   I thought they cared... I thought they truly did...
   They never gave a damn about you. They still don't. If they did, you wouldn't be here still.
   No... They said they care...
   You hate them. You hate them and you know it. You despise their very soul.
   I love them... I always have, and always will... I told them that...
   But is it really true.


   Why do you insist on talking to them.
   There is something to be gotten here.
   Like what? You don't really care and you know it.
   I do care. But that's not what I want from them. What I want is the humorous fun of the night.
   The days of old have passed.
   There's still a chance...

   I care, but not like that.
   Yes you do.
   No, I don't. Now stop arguing with me.

   You wish you could say it, don't you...
   Every day...
   It wouldn't work though. The contact is too minimal. Their eyes are set in other directions. You missed your chance, kid.
   I am not a kid...
   You are a kid. A small child with no real knowledge of the world. You know I'm right.
   I know you are a part of me. But you are not in control.

   I will not allow it.

17 - A Salute

   Today, a 17-gun salute shall be given, to no one person in particular.

   A piece of man is to love and cherish. To give themselves to another in hopes of nothing in return. This is called a "true love".

   Another part is to find an answer to everything through a logical fallicy, and derive his own true self-worth and reason for being.

   There is no bridging these two: the gap is too large.

   There is no way...

12 - Lysithea

   Another sleepless night. Why, body, do you scorn me so, that you refuse to sleep when I need you to most? Oh well. No point in crying over spilled milk.
   Women. They're becoming a thorn. I can see now why men become gay. Although that will most likely never befall me. Women seem to plague my thoughts lately. They keep my mind racing. Which isn't always bad. By keeping a busy mind, I can conceal my... Inner demons. But it also means no sleep, no concentration, and most of all, no breaks.
  

11 - The First of the Master Numbers

   Today was a long and hollowsome day. Woke up feeling terrible, almost blew chunks. What a life.
   WiFi is a funny thing. It's astounding to me how we can transfer such volumes of data and raw information throughout the air.
   Then again, times are changing rapidly.
   Change... All things must change... Sometimes I wish that wasn't true...

Day 010

   One.
   That's about what time it is now. Currently.
   Finally.
   One.
   I can't sleep. Again. This makes the third this week. A troubled mind never rests. Or at least, mine never does. Does that make me a troubled person? Or simply an insomniac? I would boast either at a time like this...
   Misunderstood. I think that is the correct word at a time like this. Three. That is now my magic little number. Three to one. That makes four. Two to two. Those are the odds now. Three to one. That's what the reality it. One to three. That's what I wish they were.
   Why do I keep this blog up? It's more of a story then anything. A story instead of a diary. A web journal, as was its intent. Ha ha, Google. I have successfully evaded your grasp once more.
   These past few days have intrigued me.
   The email.
   The note.
   The chat.
   The look.
   They all are the same, yet so enormously different. Each with its own little tale of existence. All four that were. Three that gladly would exist. One, a dream in my mind.
   Life is just interesting like that. How it throws you a curve ball at every waking moment.
   Sarah. That was her name. She's a nice girl. Seems to be a little on the naive side, but then, that's not necessary a hindrance. She simply walked to me and introduced herself. She knows more of my friends then I had previously expected. She's a nice girl...
   I've begun the slow recovery process today. Tomorrow, the forms and paperwork. Goodbye, Hobach. Good riddance.
   I miss the old days. Before the hell of my life began to unfold before me. I miss the table. The group. Kevin, Ian, Nick, Shannon, Tyler, Morgan, Carlos, and myself. The PSPs. The Gameboys. The WiFi. God those were fun days. Before the betrayal of a friend. Before the heartbreak of a lover. Before the awareness...
   I find myself more and more aware of the world around me. Even more so, myself. I know not as to why, but I feel as if I know myself better then I should. It scares me occasionally. Nipping me from behind and reminding me what I truly am. The darkness that sweeps over my soul.
   One. It's beyond that now. Rest has not dug in her sweet claws yet.
   There are those four... Five if you count the other. Though I haven't spoken to her in what feels like ages. I liked our little arguments. They kept me on my toes. She was a grand person. Perhaps today, I shall try to atone for my words....
   I desired her once. I suppose I still do. But that is also in the past. I shall try to convince her how sorry I truly am. Perhaps tell her how I truly care inside my blackened soul...
   I remember the day, as if it were still yesterday. The was she stood, so unsure as to what she should say. Of course, I already knew what she wanted to, but it would be foolish of me to point that out when she wanted so badly to say for herself. We stood, alone in an empty corridor of a room, the sounds of our classmates outside. I wanted to take her in my arms and coo her. I still do...
   I can't remember what her hugs felt like now... This is disappointing...
   The second, third, fourth and fifth. That truly is a lot. The four pasts of my heart. Each different in so many ways. The three that wish to return to the past, and the one that has yet to be told of it.
    What to do...
   Time, although not constant, it a piece of work.
   It never flows in my favor...